Cloud of Sadness

I feel a heavy sadness over me today.  I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have been up since 3:30 a.m. (as a lack of sleep tends to play with your emotions).  But thoughts of my son wouldn’t let me rest.

It is just over a week before he leaves.  Since learning of his leave date not that long ago, it seems the days have been quickly turning from one into another.  I hardly get a chance to enjoy one day and the next one quickly comes along.

Suddenly time seems so cruel.

Today we had a little get together at a friend’s house, with family.  It was a chance to be together, to spend time with my son before he leaves.  But there was a cloud of sadness that hovered above us.

It is hard to say goodbye.  I know that some would say it’s not really saying goodbye, that its saying see you later. 

But to me it has a sense of permanency in the fact that I know the boy who stands me before now will not be the same when I see him after basic training.  I anticipate he will have a lot more confidence and he will have grown up a whole lot.

Almost as painful as it is sending him off, it stings just as much to see others hurting…family and friends who care about him.  They cry, I cry.  They hurt, I hurt.  Because I know their pain, perhaps a little deeper being his mom—but I definitely know their pain.

What scares me is facing next week.  If it hurts this much now, how in the world will I make it once he is actually gone?

I once heard that it’s a fallacy, that time heals all wounds.  Time isn’t the comfort I need.  It certainly won’t make things better.

It is my faith in God and the support of family and friends that will help.  And it’s also knowing that as painful as this, it is the right plan for my son’s life.    

(Photo above from stock.xchng)

Cereal Bowl Sadness

Today has been a sad day for me.  Not only because it is the two week mark for when my son leaves but he is cleaning out his room.

I came upstairs where my 13-year-old son was playing video games in the living room and noticed a pile of magazines near by.  I asked what they were and he said that his brother (the one going into the Air Force) had given them to him. 

It was all his past issues of “Game Informer,” a magazine put out by Game Stop.  I looked at the pile and sighed.  He is giving things away…

Then I heard the sound of a vacuum cleaner coming from upstairs where my son’s bedroom is.  I went up there to see he had started a pile in the hallway outside of his room.  He was more than just cleaning, he was getting rid of some things and keeping others.

I should have been happy.  His room has been a pigsty for a long time.  He’s had this collection of used plastic cups going on that could probably fill a garbage bag.

But for some reason the sight of him cleaning only made me sad.  He is preparing.  His way of “nesting,” I guess you could say.

I had just said to him yesterday that there is only one thing I won’t miss when he leaves.  It is the fact that we never have clean bowls. 

My son eats cereal several times a day.  I think he could actually live on it.  But he never brings the bowls down and so eventually I have to go up there, maneuvering my way through the piles of stuff on his floor to retrieve the bowls and spoons.

Then I’m irritated because the cereal is caked on and I have to either scrub it off or let the bowls soak in hot water.  Funny how yesterday I thought I wouldn’t miss those missing bowls and now that he has them piled up and ready to go downstairs, I suddenly don’t mind.

Of course, then the thought occurs that when he does come home for leave, he will more than likely never leave another cereal bowl upstairs.  The Air Force will train him to keep things neat and orderly. 

Who would have thought that a boy cleaning his bedroom and the thought of cereal bowls could make a mom sad? 

The Ups and Downs

I’ve been feeling a little schizophrenic lately.  One day I am up, thinking about how proud I am of my son and his desire to serve his country.

I think about how proud I am of his decision to join what I believe is the best military branch to be in (no disrespect to the others but I am very partial to the Air Force as my father also served in it).  I feel up as I think about his integrity, his good character and the joy he brings to my life.

I can feel this way for a few hours at a time or even a day.  But then suddenly I am back down.   

I think about saying goodbye.  I think about the separation.  I think about the unknown.  I think about the dangers. 

So one minute mom is a happy lady and the next she is sad and quiet.  And then there are the moments where I am just plain irritable. 

Sometimes my family doesn’t know which “me” they are going to get.  Of course, a lot of it depends on how much sleep I manage to squeeze in…which hasn’t been much lately.  That tends to play into my emotions and reactions as well. 

I wonder if I will ever get back to a time where sleep comes easily.  But how can it when I am counting down the days until he leaves? 

By the way, it’s 18 days in case you were wondering… 

So he leaves and then what?  I will be sad because he’s gone, so how will I sleep?  I will get to go see him at graduation but then probably think about the fact I only have a few days with him and it will be goodbye again.  And I will be right back to where I was… 

And I haven’t even touched on what happens if he is deployed and all of that. 

I try really hard to not look to the future because today is certainly bringing enough troubles of its own.  But it’s hard not to.  

Thankfully I have a patient family who understands.  But I think I need to be a little more patient with myself.  I need to give myself permission to go through the ups and downs. 

Quiet Is My Enemy

When my three children were younger, I would long for quiet moments.  It seemed that noise would forever be part of my life. 

While most moms desire to have times of silence, these days I have come to dread those moments.  As I continue to count down until my oldest son leaves for basic training (22 days to be exact), I find quiet to be my enemy. 

Because that is when I start thinking about the day he leaves…and my heart starts to grieve. 

I think about him saying goodbye to his parents and siblings.  I think about him saying goodbye to his dogs, especially his Golden Retriever who is up there in age.  He is so afraid she will die before he comes home.

I think about him saying goodbye to his grandparents, his aunt and uncle, his youngest cousin and especially his best friend (who is also his cousin).  I think about him saying goodbye to friends and his church family.

Every time there is silence, I think.  So I have been trying to keep myself busy.  And if I’m not busy, I try to make sure there is background noise…whether it’s the television or music. 

The time when quiet is nearly impossible to avoid is at night.  I lay down, so tired from the busy day but my thoughts stay awake. 

So for now…quiet is my enemy.

(My son's cousin and best friend Jesse on left, my son Daniel on right)

You Are Not Alone

One of the first things I realized is that I need support.  I can’t do this alone.  I need my family and I need my church.  But I also need others who can relate.

It didn’t take long to discover such a place on Facebook, “Air Force Moms Support.”  Immediately after posting that my son would be leaving August 7^th, I received lots of encouragement and advice.

You see…I think only another military mom can truly relate to what I am feeling.  Believe me; I know that leaving for college or entering the workforce after high school is a big deal.  I still have two other children who will one day do this.

But it is hard to hear another mom say, “I know how you feel.”  Not when your child will only be a couple of hours away, while mine is nearly 1,000 miles away.  Not when you know your child will be able to come home for the holidays and summer, while the only guarantee I have right now is seeing my son after he graduates basic training and then who knows when.

It’s not that I don’t feel for those moms whose children are leaving for college…just please don’t tell me you know how I feel.  I appreciate the empathy and the encouragement but I think only another military mom can really get it.

So if you are a military mom, my suggestion is not try and muddle through this on your own.  Find a support group, online or in person.  Just know that you are not alone.

The Dreaded Date

The dreaded date has finally arrived.  I now know the date my 18-year-old son will leave for basic training with the Air Force.  I almost hate typing it.  But I know that I not only have to face it, I have to accept it.

August 7th, just over three weeks away.

This certainly doesn't come as a surprise.  After all, this path was prepared many years ago.  If you don't believe me, take a peek inside one of my scrapbooks. 

Well, since you can't...let me explain what you would see.  A picture of my son at 9 years old taking his first flight in a Cessna.  Then at 10 years old, pictures from his military-themed birthday party.  It was called, "Bootcamp 101."

The page immediately after that is from Memorial Day, 2004.  My son walking around the soldier's graves, straightening the flags and brushing the dirt off. 

The next page is a tour my son got of the 440th Air Base here in Milwaukee.  It has since closed down but he is inside a C130 and these two words grace the page, "Air Force."

See what I mean?  It was already determined.  Yes, the date I am now coming to dread was already set in stone.

I am writing this blog mostly for myself.  I find writing therapeutic.  But I am also writing it to share with family, so they can get a peek inside my heart...even though I know so many of them are also struggling with the fact that my son is leaving.

But I wouldn't mind if this blog reached beyond, to other moms who are going through the same thing.  I think we could help each other. 

Well, I leave you with a picture of my son a couple of years ago when he was enrolled in Civil Air Patrol--I told you this dreaded date was already determined.

(My son is the one on the far right)