The Ups and Downs

I’ve been feeling a little schizophrenic lately.  One day I am up, thinking about how proud I am of my son and his desire to serve his country.

I think about how proud I am of his decision to join what I believe is the best military branch to be in (no disrespect to the others but I am very partial to the Air Force as my father also served in it).  I feel up as I think about his integrity, his good character and the joy he brings to my life.

I can feel this way for a few hours at a time or even a day.  But then suddenly I am back down.   

I think about saying goodbye.  I think about the separation.  I think about the unknown.  I think about the dangers. 

So one minute mom is a happy lady and the next she is sad and quiet.  And then there are the moments where I am just plain irritable. 

Sometimes my family doesn’t know which “me” they are going to get.  Of course, a lot of it depends on how much sleep I manage to squeeze in…which hasn’t been much lately.  That tends to play into my emotions and reactions as well. 

I wonder if I will ever get back to a time where sleep comes easily.  But how can it when I am counting down the days until he leaves? 

By the way, it’s 18 days in case you were wondering… 

So he leaves and then what?  I will be sad because he’s gone, so how will I sleep?  I will get to go see him at graduation but then probably think about the fact I only have a few days with him and it will be goodbye again.  And I will be right back to where I was… 

And I haven’t even touched on what happens if he is deployed and all of that. 

I try really hard to not look to the future because today is certainly bringing enough troubles of its own.  But it’s hard not to.  

Thankfully I have a patient family who understands.  But I think I need to be a little more patient with myself.  I need to give myself permission to go through the ups and downs.